第一次约会最好不要一起吃饭

    Dinner is the worst first date. Here's why.

　　Restaurants are the go-to for so many social and professional occasions. Whether you're in for a professional meet-up, brunch with friends, or an overdue date night with your longtime partner, the convo-and-cuisine combo is, in general, the perfect fallback option.

　　很多时候，社交和工作可能要在餐馆进行。无论是工作洽谈、与朋友吃早午餐，还是与人生伴侣共赴一场早就定好的约会，一边讨论问题一边进餐都是非常完美的备选方案。

　　But as a first date? No thanks, I'd rather shove bamboo under my fingernails while listening to Yoko Ono songs on repeat.

　　但第一次约会呢？还是算了吧，我宁可边循环播放小野洋子的歌，边往指甲里扎竹片。

　　Just because it's been a courtship staple since forever doesn't mean it's a good idea, any more than ordering garlic bread and onion soup just before going in for the first kiss is a good idea. Not convinced? Let's break it down.

　　仅仅因为共进晚餐是求爱的永恒主题，并不意味着这是个好方法，这和点了蒜蓉面包和洋葱汤后再献初吻是一样的性质。你不信吗？看我慢慢给你分析。

　　You've got spinach in your teeth

　　你牙缝里有菠菜

　　Let me be blunt here: no one looks attractive while they're eating. Not you, not your date, not even Hollywood celebrities. (Ever seen a tabloid photo of a famous person wolfing down a double-stacked hamburger? I rest my case.)

　　我就直白一点说吧：没人吃相好看。你不好看，你的约会对象不好看，甚至好莱坞明星也不好看。（你在小报上见过明星狼吞虎咽吃双层汉堡的照片吗？我不用再多说了吧。）

　　Sure, the way he slurps his spaghetti like a child or the way she always takes 20 minutes to order might become an endearing quirk later on. But when it comes to first impressions, gnawing on BBQ ribs is far from alluring. Salad isn't any safer. For whatever reason, restaurants love to serve giant-sized leaves of lettuce in their salads that are all but impossible to fit into a human-sized mouth without unhinging your jaw like a snake. You could try taking a knife to your edible jungle, but then you're likely to get that look that says, "Are you crazy? Why are you using a steak knife on your salad?"

　　当然了，他吃意大利面时吧唧嘴的样子像个孩子，她点菜总要花上20分钟的时间……这些怪癖也许恰恰促成了你们后来的爱情。但是想要留下良好的第一印象，大口嚼着烤肋排可一点都不吸引人。沙拉也安全不到哪儿去。不知道为什么，餐馆提供的沙拉里面的生菜叶总是很大，你不像蛇一样把嘴张到最大根本没法把它塞进嘴里。你也可以拿把刀切一下这些菜叶，但那样的话别人也许就会投来异样的眼光，好像在说：“你疯了吗？怎么用切牛排的刀来切沙拉？”

　　By the way, if you do somehow find yourself at the local eatery during your first romantic rendezvous, bring a toothbrush. Murphy's law of dating says that if you can get a huge glob of food stuck in your front teeth while trying to woo your potential future SO, you will.

　　顺便提醒一下，如果你确实发现自己不小心把第一次浪漫约会设在了当地一家餐厅，那就带把牙刷吧。墨菲的约会定律说，如果你有可能在追求潜在伴侣的时候门牙上粘了一团食物，那么，这样的事就会发生。

　　Two words: gastrointestinal distress

　　四个字：肠胃不适

　　Even if you manage to choose a restaurant with an appealing menu and reasonable prices -- both of those are BIG ifs! -- you're still running a dangerous risk by trusting your stomach to do the right thing. Our gastrointestinal systems work in mysterious ways, and there's no telling if or when two seemingly innocuous foods might have an unexpected reaction that will lead to embarrassing results.

　　如果你选到了一家菜品美味、价格合理的餐厅（大写的“如果”），即使你觉得你的肠胃到时候可以正常运转，那么你还是冒了很大的风险。我们的肠胃系统运作方式非常神秘，不会提前告诉你：是否以及何时，两种看上去相安无事的食物会发生意想不到的反应，并导致非常尴尬的结果。

　　There are a million different factors working simultaneously to determine if and when your food will disagree with you. Even ordering an old favorite doesn't guarantee that it won’t send you racing to the bathroom halfway through your meal, or force you to make the impossible choice between whether to let one rip (and hope your date doesn’t hear) or bravely try to hold it in.

　　你的食物什么时候会在体内作怪是百万个因素共同作用的结果。即使点你一直喜欢的菜也不能保证你在吃到一半时不会冲向卫生间，或者你犹豫一番，到底是排下气呢（还要祈祷你的约会对象不会听到），还是勇敢地忍住——这种选择真是两难啊。

　　And if you did order that garlic bread and onion soup? Well, I just hope you carry an emergency supply of breath-freshening mints in your pocket at all times. Otherwise, you're screwed.

　　如果你确实点了蒜蓉面包和洋葱汤呢？这样的话，我希望你随时随地携带救急用的口气清新薄荷糖。否则的话，你就完了。

【纠错】

责任编辑： 余申芳